Saturday, 21 February 2009


what on earth else should i say?


i saw the sight of my mom went crazy again and this time the person that's freaking off mind already is my sis bf. the sight of them both angry, furious, mad, crazy, out of their mind, and any other bigger words to describe anger, seriously made me think of the scene where my mom actually took a knife and point it at me, threatening to kill me if not then kill herself when i was 10 in primary 4 just came back into my mind. i seriously was, am, so terrified even now thinking back about it. no one ever knew about this incident until i broke down a few weeks back in front of my dad and stepmom. after all these years, that freaking scary sight, face, look on my mom still is so freaking clear. i really do not know what on earth am i to do now.

i cant leave my mom.

but i seriously can't stand living with her anymore.

she broke down too, threw chair which destroyed the wooden ship that i love most as i always feel that that ship really means a lot to me, a lot about my happy family that is so being missed as i had no chance of having one ever since i was 8, in primary 2. that year, it was the last time my family actually went on a holiday, to KL. and ever since then, all i get to fell, experience in the house is anger and hate. only the times where i get to be with only my sister was so wonderful and enjoyable. 

once in primary 5 when i was 11, i can still remember so clearing that i couldn't stand all the cursing my mom cursed at me every single day ever since my dad had left this house for good and no longer coming back to stay. that was when i was in primary 3, when i was 9. 2 years of cursing, swearing, asking me to go and die, telling me how wonderful it may be if i wasn't even born in the first place. i seriously couldn't take it anymore. i opened the door and gate and made my way up this HDB building i'm in right now. now that i think of it, why did she even bother to stop me from killing myself? isn't it a better thing for her that i'm no longer around? she don't have to care about me anymore, she don't have to pay my school fees (which she didn't till now in the first place), she don't have to give me allowance, she will one lesser person to make her angry, etc etc. whatever.

i don't really know why am i blogging this whole thing. but all i know now is i really want someone to talk to, someone who can just tell me that everything will be fine. 

my stepmom told me to bring my mom to a doctor. 

but how? 

and i really can't bring myself to do so.

for years, i've always stay quiet, not saying a single thing when quarrels and arguments take place in this house which i've stayed in for more than 11 years ever since i'm 8. for everything, anything my mom tells me, scold me, accuse me and stuff, there is only one thing that will make me break down, blow up.

every other day she will compare with people saying people's children are so filial and listen to their parents etc etc which i think other parents do, too. i'm ok with that. but i just can't take it when she says that i am NOT filial and does NOT listen to her, does NOT do as she says. to her definition of being "filial" is to LISTEN to her, DO as she says, NOT speak loudly at her. or should i say, a dog. i seriously can't on earth always LISTEN to her cause whatever she says is 90% wrong and just shouldn't be listened to. neither will i DO as she says. well, I AM NOT DUMB! I HAVE A BRAIN! I THINK! i've already been a remote-controller of hers for years. I've had enough!!!

"Trixy! help me tape(record) show!"

"Trixy! help me on air-con!"

"Trixy! help me close window!"

"Trixy! help me do this..."

"Trixy! help me do that..."

she always say we treat her like maid, but she treats me like a remote-controller! a maid is still human, BUT I'M A FREAKING BRAINLESS, HEARTLESS, LIFELESS REMOTE-CONTROLLER! at least after my mom helps me to do things, i will say a "thank you". but for me? what? nothing!

it IS hard no to talk loudly, which is what she defines at "SCOLDING AT HER" as my mom DO NOT LISTEN TO PEOPLE. she talks to you freaking loudly WHEN YOU ARE JUST IN FRONT OF HER! when you talk to her nicely in your normal voice, she wont notice your existence. so of course, you have to speak louder! so you try louder then Louder and finally LOUDER!!! but apparently she can only hear you LOUDEST which she then say you shouting at her~! if not the both of you "are" having a conversation. you're trying to tell her super nicely something or just that you're busy and wanna talk later BUT here's the problem again. SHE NEVER LISTENS. so you try again, louder, Louder, LOUDER to fight with her voice cause she IS shouting her sentences out right in front of you and when you try your LOUDEST! here she goes again about you shouting at her, DO NOT listen to her, being unfilial and etc etc all over again!

another thing that will make me break down, blow up, is she will say that i don't want her anymore, won't take care of her, only want my dad, so close to my stepmom as if i'm treating HER as my mom instead of my real mom. WHAT THE FREAKING BELL FISH ON EARTH!!!

FOR A MILLION OVER TIMES I'VE TOLD HER. IF I DO NOT WANT HER, DON'T LOVE HER, DON'T CARE FOR HER, I WOULD HAVE LONG GONE OFF AND NO LONGER BE IN THIS FREAKING CURSED (all the cursing by my mom) HOUSE! this is what made me seriously blew up on Thursday that i was so pissed off i didn't even freaking bell wanna answer any of her calls. i was so upset that i didn't even wanted to go home that night. ARGH~!

i seriously can't take all these nonsense anymore~!

but on earth can i do?

i can't do a freaking thing?!


and now what are earth are you left here on this blog?

a totally bruised Trixy.

i'm hurt all over.

physically, mentally. and most of all, emotionally.

and allow me to say one last thing.

whatever you've seen Trixy am today, nothing positive was actually taught by my mom. EVERYTHING POSITIVE of what i am, who i am now, mostly were taught by teachers in my primary school. if it weren't for my teachers, i wouldn't even know what on earth is manners.

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