Wednesday, 4 July 2018


Dear blog,

It’s been a long time since I last wrote on entry.
I wander how many of you out there are still reading my blog.

If you realised, I started this post with “Dear blog” instead of the usual “Hi everyone”.

Well, this post is mostly just to express my emotions and it may even get really negative and sad so... if you are looking for something to read leisurely,  I guess this is not a post that you will wanna read.

My blog has always been a place for me to be able to express my emotions since the age of 15 which is already 14 year ago.

Since young, I have never really had anyone to talk to especially in my family that whatever you say is just wrong because what my mom will always say “I am your mother.”

I was never able to express what I feel freely.

My mom just shuts me up with that sentence every time I try to speak my mind.

My dad and mom got divorced when I was 8 so I practically grew up without a father till my teens days.

My sis and I were not closed till my parents got separated. But due to our age gap and school and stuff, we didn’t get to have much time together.

Slowly, I began to talk lesser at home.

My friends in school didn’t feel any difference cos I’m like a total person when I’m out. I could talk freely without worrying that anyone is going to shut me up.

But there’s this emptiness that has always been there just that I was too young to know what is it.

When I was 12(I think), my mom got a dog. His name was Lamb. I slowly began looking forward to going home to see his cute face welcoming me home every single day.

Well, I did look forward to going home even before that of course. But not to a living thing. Like every kid, I was looking forward to my favourite cartoon and programs on TV. Not so much of a human or living thing.

I do enjoy my sister’s company but she’s rarely at home when I get home cos she’s always in school with activities or church events and etc.

 Now that I think of it, I was so looking forward to seeing Lamb because I know that he was looking forward to me coming home, too.

I share with him everything. Things that made me happy, made me sad...

And you know, there are stuff that you can share with your dog and not your sister no matter how close you guys are.

But a year or 2 later, my mom decided to send Lamb away.

She sent him away a couple of times but because I just couldn’t bear to let him go, we took him back a few times. Until one day, like always, she shut me up, again. 

By then, I was in Secondary school. 

I was glad to be able to make a few really good friends and one is actually my best friend even till now although she does not live in Singapore at the moment but we still keep each other in our hearts at all times. Li Jin.

Slowly, life was not that difficult without Lamb waiting for me at home cos I started staying out later and later that the times at home doesn’t really matter anymore.

I also started to do things alone more and more. Thinking that being all alone is fine, too, as long as I tell myself that.

I went to movies alone, even on my birthday. I went shopping alone.

All these when I was just 14.

When I was 15, because of everyone being separated into different classes in Secondary 3, I felt my first betrayal in life.

My once-a-friend was so close so dear to me in Sec 1 and 2 but she just turned her back at us because we are “not the same level” anymore.

Why? Well, she got into the 2nd smartest class , Pure Science class, whereas the rest of us got into the 3rd and 4th class, sub Science class.


To be honest, I haven’t never been able to hold a proper conversation with anyone in English before I got to know that once-a-friend cos I was just too afraid.  

She was the first person.

Not even my very own sister.

I guess all I could say is that my faith for human got lesser through this episode.

People come and go. You never know who is gonna leave next.

Then soon, my sister had a boyfriend which is now.p my brother-in-law.

It may seem very dumb very stupid of me to feel sad but I just felt like the only person in the family I’m closest to was being snatched away and I am left with no one.

I remember it was year end during our long year-end holidays which lasted for about almost 2 months.

I was so sad, that I spent my entire holidays in my own room except 1 or 2 days when we had school activities. 

No one actually realised that I “disappeared” for that 2 months.

Not even my mom nor my sis.

I was so sad and felt that no one loves me at all.
I was so sad that I called my dad and asked him if he actually loves me.

I remember my dad telling me over the phone that he loves me.
But soon after hanging up my call, he called my mom (which he never talks to directly ever since I was 8) and scolded her. Asking her why would I feel that no one loves me.

Soon, I got scolded by my mom.

In this family, ever since I could remember, I only remember being scolded. Is like as if scolding is loving. 

I know there is the chinese saying 打是疼,骂是爱 (hitting is caring, scolding is loving), but all I wanted in life is a hug.

And ever since Lamb left, no one ever gave me a hug.

After secondary school, the guy I liked for 4 years finally liked me back and we got together, I think. 

I tried so hard. I did so much. But all I got in the end is that I “deserve better” from the guy’s mouth.

I thought I was being strong when I broke up with him.

But thinking back, I think I was being a coward and just ran away.

After that, I got to know my next boy friend which is currently my husband.

I finally felt like I was important to someone, again.
I finally have someone to hug.
Someone to love.
Someone I could say “he loves me”.

Although we went through many ups and downs, we still managed to be together.

But now... I really don’t know.

Many people have been telling me I “deserve better”.
But this phrase coming out of my own husband’s mouth...

I really don’t know what to think anymore...
I really have no idea what is there for me to fight for anymore...

I used to try not to post anything sad or negative online, on my blog, on my Facebook, Instagram etc cos I always want to help people feel better about themselves and be positive but I guess now I can’t even do that to myself anymore...

Have you ever felt that your heart is just in constant pain?

For 2 weeks?

Have you ever felt emotionally tired?

For years?

Have you ever felt unloved?

For your whole life?

What’s the point of going “home” when no one is waiting for you, looking forward to you coming back?

Where is “home” when everywhere is just houses but with no warmth.

Where can I even call “home”?

My best friend Gerry told me to be kind to myself.

But how?

I tried telling myself things will get better.
But it didn’t.

I tried telling myself to try harder.
But it just made me feel like I am being pushed away even further.

I have been questioning myself, why am I still on this earth.

All the answers I came up with were all for others but none of them were for myself.

So... why am I still here?

Friday, 21 April 2017

#TsurikiReviews : April Skin Turn-Up Bleach

Hihi everyone!

If you have been reading my blog or following my Instagram long enough, you would realise that I love changing my hair colour.

And ever since 2-3 years back, after not being sponsored by any hair salons, I have been mostly doing my own hair colour by myself.

And sometimes, helping my friends' with theirs, too.

One main thing about being able to achieve the ideal hair colour has got to be the bleach you use to clean of your natural hair colour before putting on other funky colours.

All these while, I have been using this brand called Beauteen under Hoyu which I get off-shelves in Japan. 

Singapore stopped bringing in Beauteen for quite some time I realised...

I usually use their bleach and some times their colour dye, too, as they are really affordable and gives great results as compared to many other drugstore brands you can find in the market. 

But I decided to give Korean drugstore brands a try this time!

Many people have been talking about Aprilskin's Turn-Up Color Treatment recently so I went online to check on it.

I ordered them through Qoo10 which was $18.90SGD for 6 packets of bleach.

Which is about $3.15SGD per bleach before shipping. 

If you are interested, this is where I got my bleach from:

I got only their bleach this time and not their color treatment as I estimated the amount of "dye" I need for the hair colour I wanna go for... It seemed that I will need quite a few tubes to be able to mix them to achieve the colour I want. On top of that, I'm not too sure if that amount will be enough for my hair, too.

Each packet of bleach comes with one packet of bleach powder and one packet of creme activator.

Make sure to mix the mixture really really well before application. 

If you are worried about the very strong bleach smell, I must say that this is one of the least stinging bleach I've come across till date.

For my medium-long hair, I used ONE packet to highlight the lower half of my hair first.

I then bleach almost all of my hair, again, with TWO packets of bleach. This 2 packets were more than enough for just the lower half of my hair.

However, 1 packet alone was not enough. 

So if you have medium-long hair like me and going for a ombre hair for about half your hair length, 3 packets should be able to get job done for a 2 times bleach. 

This is how my hair turned out after bleaching.
(The photo above was taken under warm light thus a little more yellowish than seen by the naked eyes)

From left to right, light to dark:
Bleached 2X, bleached 1X, dyed dark brown 4 months ago. 

As you can see, the hair isn't that much damaged. 

Ignoring that fact that this photo was not in focus, just focus on the colour of my hair! 

The areas that was bleach twice was really quite close to white which was not I expected from drugstore brand's bleach for sure.

And like mentioned, my hair isn't that damaged even which is really a pleasant surprise.

Considering that this bleach seriously isn't that expensive but in fact really cheap, I was not expecting it to produce such good results!

So if you ask me if I will repurchase it?

Oh YES! Sure thing!

Its results is amazing and super affordable!

Plus it comes in small packeta of small amount which is good if you are gonna highlight then bleach your hair, again, while you need to work in small portions. This is perfect!

The only cons I can find fault with this bleach is that it does not come with any pH balance serum for your hair after bleaching like other Japaneae brands that I've tried before but as it is this less damaging to your hair, I think without that serum seriously wouldn't make much of a difference. 

Ok! That's all for this post!
If you have any questions, do feel free to leave me a comment and I wil reply and hope to help you solve your questions and doubts!

See you in my next post! Till then, stay warm from the crazy weather!

Xoxo, Tsuriki.


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