Wednesday, 4 July 2018

Hi...

Dear blog,

It’s been a long time since I last wrote on entry.
I wander how many of you out there are still reading my blog.

If you realised, I started this post with “Dear blog” instead of the usual “Hi everyone”.

Well, this post is mostly just to express my emotions and it may even get really negative and sad so... if you are looking for something to read leisurely,  I guess this is not a post that you will wanna read.

My blog has always been a place for me to be able to express my emotions since the age of 15 which is already 14 year ago.

Since young, I have never really had anyone to talk to especially in my family that whatever you say is just wrong because what my mom will always say “I am your mother.”

I was never able to express what I feel freely.

My mom just shuts me up with that sentence every time I try to speak my mind.

My dad and mom got divorced when I was 8 so I practically grew up without a father till my teens days.

My sis and I were not closed till my parents got separated. But due to our age gap and school and stuff, we didn’t get to have much time together.

Slowly, I began to talk lesser at home.

My friends in school didn’t feel any difference cos I’m like a total person when I’m out. I could talk freely without worrying that anyone is going to shut me up.

But there’s this emptiness that has always been there just that I was too young to know what is it.

When I was 12(I think), my mom got a dog. His name was Lamb. I slowly began looking forward to going home to see his cute face welcoming me home every single day.

Well, I did look forward to going home even before that of course. But not to a living thing. Like every kid, I was looking forward to my favourite cartoon and programs on TV. Not so much of a human or living thing.

I do enjoy my sister’s company but she’s rarely at home when I get home cos she’s always in school with activities or church events and etc.

 Now that I think of it, I was so looking forward to seeing Lamb because I know that he was looking forward to me coming home, too.

I share with him everything. Things that made me happy, made me sad...

And you know, there are stuff that you can share with your dog and not your sister no matter how close you guys are.

But a year or 2 later, my mom decided to send Lamb away.

She sent him away a couple of times but because I just couldn’t bear to let him go, we took him back a few times. Until one day, like always, she shut me up, again. 

By then, I was in Secondary school. 

I was glad to be able to make a few really good friends and one is actually my best friend even till now although she does not live in Singapore at the moment but we still keep each other in our hearts at all times. Li Jin.

Slowly, life was not that difficult without Lamb waiting for me at home cos I started staying out later and later that the times at home doesn’t really matter anymore.

I also started to do things alone more and more. Thinking that being all alone is fine, too, as long as I tell myself that.

I went to movies alone, even on my birthday. I went shopping alone.

All these when I was just 14.

When I was 15, because of everyone being separated into different classes in Secondary 3, I felt my first betrayal in life.

My once-a-friend was so close so dear to me in Sec 1 and 2 but she just turned her back at us because we are “not the same level” anymore.

Why? Well, she got into the 2nd smartest class , Pure Science class, whereas the rest of us got into the 3rd and 4th class, sub Science class.

Seriously?

To be honest, I haven’t never been able to hold a proper conversation with anyone in English before I got to know that once-a-friend cos I was just too afraid.  

She was the first person.

Not even my very own sister.

I guess all I could say is that my faith for human got lesser through this episode.

People come and go. You never know who is gonna leave next.

Then soon, my sister had a boyfriend which is now.p my brother-in-law.

It may seem very dumb very stupid of me to feel sad but I just felt like the only person in the family I’m closest to was being snatched away and I am left with no one.

I remember it was year end during our long year-end holidays which lasted for about almost 2 months.

I was so sad, that I spent my entire holidays in my own room except 1 or 2 days when we had school activities. 

No one actually realised that I “disappeared” for that 2 months.

Not even my mom nor my sis.

I was so sad and felt that no one loves me at all.
I was so sad that I called my dad and asked him if he actually loves me.

I remember my dad telling me over the phone that he loves me.
But soon after hanging up my call, he called my mom (which he never talks to directly ever since I was 8) and scolded her. Asking her why would I feel that no one loves me.

Soon, I got scolded by my mom.

In this family, ever since I could remember, I only remember being scolded. Is like as if scolding is loving. 

I know there is the chinese saying 打是疼,骂是爱 (hitting is caring, scolding is loving), but all I wanted in life is a hug.

And ever since Lamb left, no one ever gave me a hug.

After secondary school, the guy I liked for 4 years finally liked me back and we got together, I think. 

I tried so hard. I did so much. But all I got in the end is that I “deserve better” from the guy’s mouth.

I thought I was being strong when I broke up with him.

But thinking back, I think I was being a coward and just ran away.

After that, I got to know my next boy friend which is currently my husband.

I finally felt like I was important to someone, again.
I finally have someone to hug.
Someone to love.
Someone I could say “he loves me”.

Although we went through many ups and downs, we still managed to be together.

But now... I really don’t know.

Many people have been telling me I “deserve better”.
But this phrase coming out of my own husband’s mouth...

I really don’t know what to think anymore...
I really have no idea what is there for me to fight for anymore...

I used to try not to post anything sad or negative online, on my blog, on my Facebook, Instagram etc cos I always want to help people feel better about themselves and be positive but I guess now I can’t even do that to myself anymore...

Have you ever felt that your heart is just in constant pain?

For 2 weeks?

Have you ever felt emotionally tired?

For years?

Have you ever felt unloved?

For your whole life?

What’s the point of going “home” when no one is waiting for you, looking forward to you coming back?

Where is “home” when everywhere is just houses but with no warmth.

Where can I even call “home”?

My best friend Gerry told me to be kind to myself.

But how?

I tried telling myself things will get better.
But it didn’t.

I tried telling myself to try harder.
But it just made me feel like I am being pushed away even further.

I have been questioning myself, why am I still on this earth.

All the answers I came up with were all for others but none of them were for myself.


So... why am I still here?

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